Attending a Tangihanga as a visitor: What to expect and how to show respect
Being invited to attend a tangihanga (the ceremony of mourning) is a privilege, and it is completely natural to feel uncertain about what to do or whether you will do the right thing. This article is for anyone — Māori or non-Māori — who has been called to pay their respects at a tangihanga and wants to arrive with an open heart and a sense of what to expect. You do not need to be an expert in tikanga to attend with respect. You need presence, humility, and a willingness to follow the lead of those around you.
You Are Welcome to Be There
Tangihanga are formal occasions, and anyone who knew the person who has died or the whānau is more than welcome to attend. If you are worried about whether you have the right to be there — you do. Showing up to support a grieving whānau (family) is itself an act of aroha (love and compassion), and your presence matters.
As a general guide, the first day is usually reserved for close whānau to be with the tūpāpaku (the person who has died) and settle into the marae. The second day typically welcomes extended family, and by the third day the doors are generally open to everyone — though this is not a fixed rule and will vary depending on the tikanga of that particular tangihanga. If you are unsure when to attend, the simplest and most respectful thing to do is ask someone connected to the whānau for guidance.
What a Tangihanga Looks Like
Tangihanga usually last for several days and carry traditions passed down through generations. Whānau and friends gather to mourn, share memories, and show their love for both the person who has died and the family they leave behind.
One of the things that can seem unfamiliar to those outside Māori culture is that the tūpāpaku may rest on the marae for several days. This is not something to feel unsettled by — it is one of the most beautiful expressions of tangihanga. The tūpāpaku is never left alone, and that continuous presence of whānau alongside them is an act of deep love and connection.
Tangihanga give whānau permission to express the full weight of their grief — to cry, to laugh, to sing, to speak to their loved one, and to move through anger and sorrow together. You may witness great outpourings of emotion. Let them wash over you. Grief expressed openly is not something to look away from.
Arriving at the Marae
When you arrive, it is best to wait at the waharoa (the entrance gateway) or at the end of the driveway until someone from the whānau comes to welcome you and brief you on what to do. Do not walk onto the marae on your own — you need to be welcomed on.
Those wishing to pay their respects will generally be welcomed with a pōwhiri (the formal welcoming ceremony). The pōwhiri follows a sequence: the karanga, a ceremonial call by women inviting you onto the marae; the whaikōrero, formal speeches by elders and designated speakers; the hongi, the pressing of noses that symbolises shared breath; and the sharing of kai (food). The kai is not simply hospitality — it is part of the sacred process of whakanoa, of returning to noa (the ordinary, the safe). Having been in the presence of the tūpāpaku and among the dead, sharing kai together helps everyone return to the world of the living. It also welcomes you in — after sharing food with the whānau, you are no longer a stranger, but one of their own. Even a cup of tea and a biscuit carries this meaning.
The karanga holds a special place in the pōwhiri. It is always the first voice you will hear on the marae — a role held by women. Through the karanga, the women call the manuhiri (visitors) forward and call unto the dead, weaving together the living and those who have passed. The manuhiri are invited to bring with them their memories, their tears, and their grief, and the karanga clears the pathway for them to enter.
During the pōwhiri, be still and attentive. It is disrespectful to eat, drink, or hold conversations during the welcome. Simply follow the people around you. Someone will guide you through each moment.
Koha — Bringing a Gift of Support
Although the whānau will provide generous hospitality, tikanga enables visitors to show their appreciation and respond with equal generosity through a koha — a gift presented formally to the hosts. Today, koha is usually an envelope of money that is presented to the whānau during the whaikōrero.
Different iwi have their own tikanga around presenting koha, so if you are unsure of the practice at this particular tangihanga, ask someone connected to the whānau beforehand. Give what you are able to give — the spirit of the gesture matters more than the amount.
What to Wear
Dress modestly and with care. Black is the general dress code, though people attend in all kinds of colours — what is more important is that clothing is modest and respectful. Think of how you would dress for any solemn occasion. Kawakawa (a native plant with deep significance in Māori culture and ceremony) is often worn as a garland or headband as a mark of mourning — if you are gifted one or guided to wear one, accept it with gratitude.
Simple Things to Remember
Remove your shoes before entering the wharenui (meeting house). Follow the lead of others around you — if they remove their shoes at the door, you do the same. As a general rule, do not eat or drink inside the wharenui. Switch your phone to silent and put it away. Be present.
Kaumātua (elders) lead the proceedings, ensuring tikanga is upheld and that everyone's mana is honoured. If you are uncertain about anything at any point, look to those around you and follow their lead. There will always be someone nearby ready to help you.
You Do Not Need to Be Perfect
Perhaps the most important thing to carry into a tangihanga is this: the whānau will be glad you came. Your willingness to step into something unfamiliar, out of love for someone who has died or care for those who are grieving, is itself a form of respect. If you have never been to a marae before but want to pay your respects, simply go — knowing there will be someone there to help you. Remain respectful, hold tikanga Māori at the centre of your understanding, and you will be fine.
Tangihanga are extraordinary gatherings — full of sorrow, yes, but also full of song, laughter, storytelling, and the particular strength that comes when a community holds each other through loss. It is one of the most profound things you can be part of. Go with an open heart and let the whānau lead the way.
If you would like to understand more about what happens during a tangihanga — the tikanga, the sequence of events, and how whānau move through the days together — our tangihanga guide walks through the whole process with care and warmth, at your own pace.
Tikanga varies between iwi, hapū, and whānau. This article describes commonly observed practices — always defer to the whānau, the marae, and the kaumātua for guidance specific to the occasion you are attending.
Written and reviewed with care by BesideYou — founded by a Māori New Zealander with lived experience of tangihanga.