After the tangihanga: the hākari, cleaning the marae, and finding your feet in the days that follow

The hākari: more than a meal

After days of grief, the idea of sitting down to eat can feel almost wrong. Yet the hākari (the feast shared after the burial) is one of the most meaningful parts of everything you have just been through. It is woven into many Māori customs around death, and it carries a quiet purpose beneath the kai and the conversation.

In te ao Māori (the Māori world), food is noa — ordinary, everyday — and it has the power to lift tapu (sacredness or restriction), the sacredness that has surrounded your loved one and your whānau since the moment of death. Once the burial rites are complete, the feast is traditionally shared, and in eating together the restrictions of those tapu days are gently released.

It is also a moment of manaakitanga (care and hospitality). In providing for everyone who has gathered, the hosts honour their guests and show respect — even in the depths of their own grief.

If money is weighing on you, it may help to know that the cost of kai (food) for a tangi has been formally recognised as a legitimate funeral expense. In one case, a woman who had been refused help with the food costs for her husband's tangi appealed successfully, and the Social Security Appeal Authority accepted that kai is an integral part of the tangihanga.

Cleansing the home: takahi whare

There is something almost unbearable about returning to a house that still holds the shape of someone who is gone. Tikanga offers a way through this, too. Following the burial, the ritual of takahi whare (literally "tramping the house") is held to lift the tapu from the places your loved one lived and died.

In practice, this is where a minister, tohunga (an expert or spiritual practitioner) or other appropriate person walks through the home, offering karakia (prayer or incantation) as they go, and the spaces are gently cleansed with food and drink. It is a way of telling the home — and yourselves — that it is safe to live and rest there again.

The takahi whare allows the whānau to return and live freely once more. Often this is the moment when personal belongings are sorted, with some given to those who want a keepsake and others set aside, always with care for your loved one's dignity.

Setting the marae right again

Tidying up after a tangihanga can feel like a strange, hollow task — the busyness of hosting suddenly replaced by brooms and folded blankets. But many people find an unexpected comfort in it. Working alongside others to return the wharenui (meeting house) and the wharekai (dining hall) to order is a shared act of respect, and it gives hands something to do while hearts are still catching up.

Importantly, this work is not meant to fall on those closest to the loss. Traditionally, the whānau pani (the bereaved family) are not expected to take on tasks like cleaning up — their role is to grieve. If you are among the closest mourners, please let others carry this for you.

That said, the reality today is that whānau numbers can be smaller, and whānau pani who would once have focused only on their grief may now find themselves drawn into the collective work of hosting, including preparing kai. Be gentle with yourself about whatever role you end up playing.

A note on tikanga: practices around the hākari, takahi whare and the closing of a tangihanga vary between iwi, hapū, marae and whānau. The kaumātua (respected elders) of the marae lead, and it is always right to ask rather than assume. The broad principles tend to hold, but the detail differs from place to place.

Looking after yourself in the quiet that follows

When the cars have gone and the marae is closed, a deep tiredness often arrives. This is no surprise. Tangihanga are emotionally and physically exhausting, often stretching across three or more days with little sleep and a great deal of emotional intensity. Those closest to the person who has died may neglect their own health, skip meals, or run themselves into the ground. Eating, sleeping, and simply letting yourself stop are not indulgences right now — they are how you mend.

Grief is not a task to be completed, and there is no right way to carry it. In te ao Māori, the open expression of sorrow has always been honoured. People are encouraged not to hide what they feel, and there is a deep understanding that letting grief show — weeping, laughing at the old stories, leaning on one another — can be healing for everyone present.

If the days ahead feel too heavy to carry alone, support exists. Reach out if you feel overwhelmed, whether by your emotions or by physical exhaustion. Some regions offer free counselling, and hospices and some funeral services may provide support at no cost. Rongoā (traditional Māori healing) practitioners, tohunga, spiritual practitioners and health professionals can all walk alongside you.

A note on costs

Having to think about money in the rawness of loss is one of the hardest things asked of any whānau. If finances are tight, Work and Income may be able to help with some funeral costs through a Funeral Grant. The most that can be paid is $2,697.43, and if the person who has died had assets, these are taken into account against the funeral expenses.

You do not need to be on a benefit to qualify, and you do not have to pay back a Funeral Grant if all the criteria are met. This figure can change over time, so do check the current amount and eligibility directly with Work and Income.

If the death was the result of an accident, ACC may be able to help instead, with a Funeral Grant of up to $7,990.30. It is worth checking which support fits your situation.

You have done a loving thing

Whatever shape the past days have taken, you have done something profound: you have farewelled someone you love with dignity, and you have honoured them in the way your whānau knows how. The hākari, the cleansing of the home, the tidying of the marae — these are the last gifts of care you give, and they matter. Now, in the quiet, it is your turn to be cared for. Rest when you can, accept the help that is offered, and trust that grief, like everything else, will find its own gentle rhythm in time.

If you'd like a steady hand through what comes next — from the final farewell to the admin that follows — our tangihanga guide can walk you through it gently, at your own pace.

Circumstances vary. Verify specific details directly with the relevant organisation before acting.

Written and reviewed with care by BesideYou.

Sources

• Te Ara — the Encyclopedia of New Zealand: The tangihanga process
• Te Ara — the Encyclopedia of New Zealand: Understanding tangihanga
• Te Ara — the Encyclopedia of New Zealand: Māori feasts and ceremonial eating – hākari
• Te Aka Māori Dictionary: tangihanga
• Work and Income: Funeral Grant
• ACC: Help with funeral costs
• Te Ipu Aronui: Getting support for grief
• Te Ipu Aronui: Roles
• Te Atawhai Aroha: Funeral / Tangihanga