Making the farewell yours: Readings, music, eulogies and personalising the service

Who will lead the service?

One of the first decisions you will make is who conducts the service. There are two main paths in Aotearoa New Zealand.

Celebrants have become increasingly popular and tend to deliver a service centred on the life and personality of the person who has died, offering real flexibility in format — particularly helpful when a family holds multiple perspectives or needs. A funeral celebrant will listen deeply during what is an incredibly difficult time, make helpful suggestions, and can provide a secular or spiritually blended service depending on what your family wants.

A minister is the right choice for families who come from a faith tradition they wish to honour — there can be deep comfort in having those sacred rites held at the heart of the farewell.

Your funeral director can recommend both celebrants and ministers, and will do their best to find someone who fits your family. If your loved one left wishes about who they wanted to lead their service, those wishes carry great moral weight, even if they are not legally binding.

The eulogy — speaking from the heart

Few things at a funeral matter more than the eulogy. It is the moment when one person stands up and tries to hold a whole life in words, and the room feels it.

A eulogy is not a biography — it is a truthful glimpse that helps those gathered to remember and to heal. It does not need to be perfect. There is no single correct way to write one, and the people in that room are not expecting a flawless speech.

A good starting point is to gather memories from family and friends — the small habits, the favourite sayings, the moments that made people recognise exactly who your loved one was. Stories and anecdotes are a wonderful way to celebrate a life, and there is no reason to avoid the things that were amusing or even gently irreverent.

As a general guide, five minutes or a couple of typed A4 pages is ample.

If delivering the eulogy yourself feels too much to carry on the day, you have options. A family member may write the eulogy and have the celebrant read it on their behalf. On the day, it helps to give a copy to the celebrant and to discuss in advance how they can support you if emotion makes it hard to continue. Everyone in that room understands. No one will think less of you for needing a hand.

Readings — words that carry weight

Readings can draw from religious texts, other literature, or anything that truly reflects the person who has died and is special to your whānau. A poem that your loved one kept on their fridge. A passage from a novel they read every summer. A few lines that feel like them.

There are no fixed rules — a reading can be a poem, a story, a song lyric, or multiple contributions from different people. If a piece of writing is too long to read aloud comfortably, it can be printed in the order of service so people can hold it with them.

Music — the thing people will remember

Music is often what stays with people long after the service ends. A song that comes on the radio months later and suddenly brings the whole day back.

Meaningful music is a beautiful way to celebrate your loved one's life, and there are genuinely no rules — chapels across New Zealand have hosted everything from symphonies and operatic arias to the blues and rap. Live music creates something unique and unrepeatable, and a carefully chosen piece can give the room space to breathe and reflect after a eulogy.

If hymns or religious music are important to your family, an organist or other accompaniment can usually be arranged through your funeral director or celebrant. If your loved one had a favourite song that you are not sure fits a funeral, play it anyway. It fits because it was theirs.

Making the service personal

When you are planning the service, think about the person who has died and what aspects of their life you most want those gathered to carry home with them.

You can display things that were important to your loved one at the venue or on their casket — people have brought flowers and vegetables from a garden, sports trophies, books, artwork, candles, and religious texts. A fishing rod leaned against a table. A hat hung on the corner of the casket. Objects that say, without any words at all, this is who they were.

The order of service can include photos, meaningful dates, readings, the names of people taking part, and any details about gathering afterwards. A slideshow of photographs is another wonderful way to bring a life into the room — it can be shown before, during, or after the ceremony itself.

Children can also take part in meaningful ways — carrying flowers, reading a poem, or drawing something to place inside the casket. Inclusion, at any age, can help.

A note for Māori whānau

For whānau observing tangihanga (the ceremony of mourning), the structure and elements of the ceremony are guided by the tikanga of the marae and by kaumātua. The elements covered in this article — karakia (prayer and incantation), waiata (song), kōrero (speeches and tributes) — all have their own place within tangihanga, shaped by the protocols of each iwi and hapū. Tikanga varies between marae, and the kaumātua of the marae lead. If you are navigating both grief and the weight of upholding tikanga at the same time, that is an immense thing to carry, and you do not need to carry it alone.

The gathering afterwards

Whether you gather for refreshments, or come together at another venue, the time after the service matters too. It is where the stories keep coming — the ones that did not make it into the eulogy, the ones that make people laugh through their tears. There is no right or wrong way to do it.

A funeral is not a performance. It is an act of love, shaped by the people who knew your loved one best. Whatever you choose — a grand gathering or a quiet handful of people, a favourite song that surprises some guests, a reading in te reo Māori or a poem from a book they loved — it is right, because it is true to them.

If you are still working through the practical steps of arranging a service, our funeral planning guide can walk you through the decisions one at a time, at your own pace.

Circumstances vary. Verify specific details directly with the relevant organisation before acting.

Written and reviewed with care by BesideYou.

Sources

• Nurse Maude: Funeral Planning
• New Zealand Independent Funeral Homes: Arranging a Funeral
• Elliotts Funeral Services: Funeral Choices
• Gee & Hickton Funeral Directors: Personalising the Ceremony
• Celebrants Aotearoa: How to Write a Eulogy
• South Taranaki Funeral Services: Writing a Eulogy
• Eagars Funerals: Writing a Eulogy
• Everything Funeral NZ: Eulogy — 7 Steps on How to Write
• Dils Funeral Services: Writing a Eulogy
• Go With Grace: Writing a Eulogy