Looking after yourself while grieving — NZ support services and what to expect
Grief has a way of arriving all at once and then catching you off guard for months, sometimes years, afterward. Whether your loved one died recently or some time ago, the weight of loss can affect your sleep, your appetite, your ability to concentrate, and your sense of who you are in the world. This article is about looking after yourself through that — what to expect from grief, what support is available in Aotearoa New Zealand, and how to ask for help without feeling like you're doing something unusual.
What grief can feel like
No two people grieve in the same way. Some people feel waves of sadness, others mostly feel numb. Some people cry; others find they cannot. Some people feel a strange calm in the early weeks and then fall apart months later, when everyone else assumes they are fine.
All of this is normal. Grief is not a problem to be solved or a set of stages to pass through. It is love with nowhere to go, and it takes the shape of whoever is carrying it.
Physical effects are also very common. Exhaustion, difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite, a heaviness in the chest, trouble focusing — your body holds grief too, not just your mind. Being gentle with yourself physically — resting, eating, moving a little, accepting help when it is offered — matters more than most people realise in the early months.
Your right to time away from work
One of the most immediate practical pressures after a death is the question of work. It is hard to sit across a table from a spreadsheet when everything inside you is grieving.
In New Zealand, bereavement leave is a statutory entitlement under the Holidays Act 2003, giving employees time away to cope with the death of a close family member or someone significant to them.
The minimum legal entitlement is three days of paid leave for the death of a close relative, and one day for the death of another person where your employer accepts you have suffered a bereavement.
When considering whether to grant that one-day entitlement, your employer must take into account whether you have significant responsibility for arrangements related to the death, and any cultural responsibilities you hold in relation to it.
This is particularly important for tangihanga (the ceremony of mourning), where whānau responsibilities can span several days. Some employers are more generous than the legal minimum — it is worth checking your employment agreement.
Bereavement leave can be taken at any time and for any purpose relating to the bereavement — it does not have to be used all at once immediately after the death. If you need to take annual leave or unpaid leave beyond your bereavement entitlement, most employers will consider this with compassion. Do not be afraid to ask.
Talking to someone — NZ support services
Asking for help when you are grieving is not a sign of weakness. It is one of the most sensible things you can do.
Your GP is a good first point of contact. They can check in on your physical health, talk through how you are coping emotionally, and refer you to funded or subsidised counselling if that is what you need. Do not wait until you are at crisis point — a GP conversation can happen early.
The Grief Centre provides loss and grief counselling, resources, and support groups for youth, adults, families, and whānau experiencing any form of significant loss. They offer grief counselling in-person, online, and over the phone, and accept referrals from anyone, including self-referrals. You can reach the Grief Centre on 0800 331 333 or at griefcentre.org.nz.
Skylight Trust is a well-regarded national not-for-profit supporting children, young people, and their whānau through grief, trauma, and loss. While counselling services are based in Wellington, their website offers a range of helpful articles, videos, and resources accessible nationwide. You can find them at skylight.org.nz.
Your local hospice service can also be a source of free, confidential grief and bereavement support — not only for families who were connected to hospice before the death, but in many cases more broadly. Mary Potter Hospice in Wellington, for example, offers bereavement support free of charge to whānau, family members, and carers, with services available for up to twelve months after a death. It is worth contacting the hospice nearest to you to find out what they offer.
If you simply need to talk to someone tonight — at two in the morning, in the middle of a hard day — 1737 offers free, confidential support around the clock for anyone in New Zealand. You can text or call 1737 any time.
If your loved one died by suicide
Grief after suicide loss carries its own particular weight — confusion, guilt, and a kind of sorrow that can be very hard to put into words. You do not have to carry it alone, and there is specific support designed for exactly this.
Aoake te Rā provides a free, brief therapeutic service to individuals and whānau navigating life after a loss by suicide. It is available to anyone impacted by suicide loss, whether your loss was recent or many years ago. Aoake te Rā works on a referral basis — you can self-refer through their website, or leave a message on 0800 000 053 and a provider will be in touch. Providers are available nationwide, including online. Note that Aoake te Rā is not a crisis service — if you need to talk to someone right now, call or text 1737 any time. You can find Aoake te Rā at aoaketera.org.nz.
Support for tamariki and rangatahi
Children and young people grieve too, often in ways adults do not always recognise. They may seem to be coping, then suddenly fall apart. They may play happily one moment and cry the next. Grief moves differently through young bodies and minds.
Skylight Trust's services and programmes are built on trauma-informed practice, with a focus on building resilience, and the organisation specialises in support for tamariki (children) and rangatahi (young people) aged 5 to 24. Their website also has age-by-age guidance for supporting children through grief, which many parents and caregivers have found reassuring.
When grief becomes more than you can hold alone
For some people, grief deepens into something harder — persistent depression, difficulty functioning day to day, or thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore. If that is where you are, please reach out. It is not a personal failure. It is a sign that the loss has been very large, and that you need more support than you should be carrying alone.
You can call or text 1737 free, any time, for support from a trained counsellor. Lifeline is also available on 0800 543 354. If you are having thoughts of suicide, the Suicide Crisis Helpline is there for exactly this — call 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO) any time to talk with someone trained to help. And if you are in immediate danger, call 111.
A note on tikanga and grief
For Māori, grief does not only belong to the individual. It is held by whānau, hapū, and the wider community. The tangihanga is a powerful expression of that collective aroha, and the support of your people around you in the days after a death carries its own deep healing. If you are looking for culturally grounded support after a tangihanga, your local marae, kaumātua, and Māori health providers are often the best people to guide you toward the right help in your rohe (region).
You have been through something enormous. The world may look completely different to you right now, and the people around you may not fully understand why. That disorientation is real, and it is not a sign that something is wrong with you. Grief is the cost of loving someone, and looking after yourself through it — asking for help, resting when you need to, letting other people sit beside you — is not a distraction from honouring your loved one. It is part of it.
If you are also navigating the practical tasks that follow a death — the admin, the notifications, the paperwork — our after someone passes guide is here to walk you through it all, at your own pace.
Circumstances vary. Verify specific details directly with the relevant organisation before acting.
Written and reviewed with care by BesideYou.
Sources
- Grief Centre: Loss and Grief Counselling Support
- Grief Centre: Grief Counselling
- Skylight Trust: About Skylight
- Skylight Trust: Counselling Services
- 1737 Need to Talk: How 1737 Works
- Aoake te Rā: Service
- Hospice NZ: How Can I Access Bereavement Support?
- Mary Potter Hospice: Bereavement Support
- Employment New Zealand: Bereavement Leave
- Employment New Zealand: Taking Bereavement Leave
- Mental Health Foundation NZ: Helplines and Support
- HealthEd (Health NZ): Helplines and Local Mental Health Services